seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
