Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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