Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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