My hand turned me down
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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