And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
