I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
