I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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