he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
