I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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