You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
