I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
