Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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