I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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