he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
FUCK WHALES
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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