just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
