Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
