I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Shame is for Republicans.
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