I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
