I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't want my vagina anymore.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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