Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
