So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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