Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
