Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
