next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
