News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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