: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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