I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
