Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
