you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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