Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
