he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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