3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
