I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
