The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
