I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
