I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
