I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
