Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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