no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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