i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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