Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
