i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
