I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
