totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
