I'm jealous of your bromance
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
