Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
