Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
