wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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