i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
