can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
