Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
