she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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