Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
