The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
