I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
