All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
