theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
